Everything needs a start.
There's a reason for this, but sometimes, (especially in the stories we are convinced to tell on besides, that we feel compelled to tell by fires in our drunkenness) sometimes, stories have other beginnings that wrap around themselves to tighten, to bind with the golden ties we call fate.
Eh, crap.
Sorry, I'll start again. Hi!
This is something I've wanted to do for a while, and this site has given me a chance. How fantastic! What a good idea this site is. Well I've given myself 15 minutes, so I will write something I thought of last night, 24 hours ago actually.
I happened to catch a minute of Oprah this morning and when I heard what was being said, I felt ill. It was a show about "Super" moms. There was a perky mom who had one infant child and wanted to have another one as soon as possible so that she could "tandem" breastfeed. I paused for a moment and then Oprah posed the question that I feel sure was on the audience's mind, "How do you do that?" This mom snapped back, "Well I have two breasts, don't I?" I support breast-feeding moms, but wanting to have another child just to prove that you could feed two at the same time had me perplexed. Now there's a mom on a mission to earn the "Super Lactator" badge to add to her Super Mom sash.
The other mom on the show had 9 children, worked full-time, volunteered twenty hours a week, made home made bread daily, without the aid of a bread machine, and fed her family on $26.50 a week. She didn't even have scowl lines.
Its shows like this that make me question if I should surrender my mom license to the authorities because I cannot compete with these super moms. What good could possibly come from displaying these moms on television? Oh, I forgot…there is a shortage of maternal guilt in this world. My wonderful Izzat, when hearing about the moms on this show said that they were evil liars. It's amazing that in just 3 short years he has mastered the art of "sucking up" to receive occasional treats like a hot cooked meal.
I am still obsessing over how these women's minds and bodies operate that allow these "Super moms" to accomplish so much with reported grace and ease. I take multivitamins daily, but I want to get a big truckload of whatever drug these two are on. I felt so down from watching this show that I contemplated putting a metal colander on my head and heading down to the apartment's basement in search of a live electrical wire to rig up a little home electric shock therapy machine to cure my depression, but I digress. In reality, I did change the television channel hoping to find something or someone to take my mind off my personal maternal failures.
While channel surfing I started to feel a little bit better when I saw... The Milo mom. She tricks her children into believing they are drinking chocolate milk, but in reality they are drinking milk with chocolate and lots of camouflaged vitamins and minerals. I like this mom…she relishes the manipulation of her kids nutritional perceptions. "And it's good for them, too"
The next mom I saw was the "Sunkist" juice mom. Adorable mother…adorable daughter…frolicking through a field of flowers, having fun and drinking juice that is made from real fruit. Wow, fruit juice from real fruit, what a concept. But the part I like is that she talks behind her daughter's back to the camera, noting she will not divulge the healthful nutritional information, that the juice is "good" for her. The implied reasoning is that children will not eat what is "good" for them. I use reverse psychology on my offsprings. I tell them fruits and vegetables are bad for them, and get the same results. I believe the Milo mom and Sunkist mom belong to the same Mother's group.
Feeling a little better and because I was beginning to see the signs of hypoglycemia in my baby boys, I turned off the television and sat down to have lunch with them. I asked my captive audience what they thought a bad mom would be like. They said a bad mom would never give them any treats (or that's what I think they said). With that in mind, I mixed up a big pitcher of Ribena and told them after lunch we would go frolicking in flowers at the park. Unfortunately one of them spilled their cup of Ribena, but while on my knees cleaning up I said a silent prayer they will not be accepted to a college where they could daily commute from home.
I love my spawnlings with all my heart. And the bad moms. Super moms I invite you to loosen up a little, occasionally take a walk on the wild side and try something mad…serve dessert first.
10 years ago
