What Could've Been..

CARADHRAS
GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain?
BALROG: Who cares? It's freaking cold up here. I give up.
GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year...

EMYN MUIL
SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders. SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.
FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?
SAM: Oh, uh...nothing... FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.
GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.
SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!
SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.
FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?
SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (To FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner.

FANGORN FOREST
GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?
ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!
LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!

EDORAS
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead.
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep.
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint. (Win, wipe that smirk off your face!)
ARAGORN: Yeah Hokay! Well, let's move along.

EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP
LEGOLAS: Wargs!
LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.
GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?
LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.
ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fan girl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks. GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!
ARAGORN falls off cliff.
LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial _expression!

RIVENDELL
ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him.
ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.
ARWEN: Why do you say that?
ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book.
ARWEN: elen síla lúmenn' omentielvo (Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy)
ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli.

RIVENDELL
GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?
ELROND: Yes, speaking.
GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel.
ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?
GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo. ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately.
GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do.
ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a whiner, I'm not even sure I want him to marry my daughter... GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball.
ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call.
A VOICE: Hello? Hello? Elrond?
GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?
ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!
GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that.
ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something?
GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep. GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?
GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.
GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. He's expendable.

HELM'S DEEP (Changing Room before the War)
LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.
ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.
ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king.
LEGOLAS: sí man i yulma nin enquantuva!! (You can bite my as*)
ARAGORN: Anar caluva tielyanna! (Oh Shut up! you need a tan) (Five minutes later)
LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that.
ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither.
LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?
ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?

FANGORN FOREST
PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders...
MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine.

HELM'S DEEP
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really cute girlies at the gate. They have bows.
ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK : Neither did I...
GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short.
LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are!

HENNETH ANNUN
FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?
FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.
FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?
SAM: His gardener.
FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way?
SAM: Exactly.
FRODO: Righ—What??

OSGILIATH
FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces on him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.
FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it—this time I'm cutting your throat.
SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul...
FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment.
SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it?
FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude.

FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech.
SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time...

ISENGARD
TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's place.
TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK!
MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world.
PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that.
SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character...

HELM'S DEEP
GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer.
ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally!
GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back.
ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough.
ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though...
EOWYN: What?
ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool.

ISENGARD
TREEBEARD (screaming from Isengard): Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We can't be two places at once.

OSGILIATH
SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to-
FRODO: SAM!!
SAM: What?
FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on.
SAM: Oh. Oh, good.

EN ROUTE TO MORDOR
SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute.
FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered.
SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way?
FRODO: Yes?
SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot.
FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that.
SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn?
FRODO: Yeah. You like it?
GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)...Kill... (mumble)...death to hobbits... (mumble mumble)...feed them to HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain, suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill hobbitses...(mumble) ...she will destroy hobbitses...

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK : (loudly) "SHE"? Did he say "she", and "her"? Who's "SHE"?
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK : OH SHUT UP!