Courtesy

The word "courtesy" is derived from two root words. One is "court " and the other is "ease". The word "courtesy" itself suggest the meaning that it is a mannerism that is prevalent at the courts of kings and princess of old. In fact it is wrong for me to say that it is an ancient practice. In point of fact, it is the norm at the royal courts of today in any parts of the world but more glaringly so in our country and in Great Britain.

In the royal palaces of our Sultans, the spoken language and gestures and movements all form parts and parcels of courtesy which can seem strange and awkward to the people who are not used to them. In the Royal courts, a wrong word usage and gesture by anyone are considered as low breeding and hence not well favoured to be considered for a repeat presence thereat in the days of old. Fortunately nowadays the Sultans are more understanding and tolerable of these courtesy shortfalls of their palace visitors, having considered the fact that the world is no longer a confined world of old but global these days and the country is wide open to these visitors of diversed creed and nations. Thus, the expected courtesy of old is somewhat compromised now so as to make the visitors feel more comfortable from the riggidness that can happen in such a situation. It is interesting to note, however visitors to the palace, more often than not, are seen to try their utmost to be courteous just as the Sultan would do to them.

I recall the times when Sabri visits or is seated for tea with my uncle at the King's Palace when my uncle was then the Yang DiPertuan Agong on the occasions of Farazil's wedding at the palace. The invitation to tea at the King's table is not something that is in the function's agenda then but as usual and typical of the hospitality of the King and his Consort (my aunty), they will always enjoy the company of their visitors. Thus on this occasion, the King tells me to invite the newly wed Farazil and Yasmin and others deemed seniors in the family to have tea at the Royal table which is in a room separated from the rest of the crowd who is having their wedding tea elsewhere in the palace. When I introduce my chosen guests for the tea to the Royal couple, Sabri is asked to seat almost two seats away from them. Typical of the King he is always curious about the presence of professionals from whom he can indulge in meaningful discussions if need be. At times, it is just his curiosity of these people. Hence when Sabri is introduced as my brother-in-law as well as a Neurologist, I can immediately see the King's interest in this new "subject". In no time, he begins to address Sabri. At a glance I can see Sabri stiffen. Even the tea server cannot get to pour the tea on his cup because Sabri is all attentive to the King's address ! Such is the nature of one's reaction in the Royal court when you are not familiar to the presence of the Royalties. Fortunately with Sabri, his speech and gestures remain courteous and this bespeaks well of his upbringing at home and at the MCKK, where the British teachers then really teach us proper table manners as well as daily speech and everyday living. After all, the MCKK has a long tradition of the College for the Royalties in those days, although this has somewhat changed now ever since Malaysians take over the institution when the British teachers left the country.

This same courtesy is practiced in Clubs established by the British electorates - Clubs such as The Royal Lake Club, The Royal Selangor Club, The Royal Selangor Golf Club, and The Royal Sungei Ujong Club. It is common practice in these clubs that when a gentleman is seated and is visited by another gentleman or a lady, the seated gentleman is expected to stand up in courtesy of his visitor's presence. In fact, seated gentlemen are expected to stand up when anyone from the seated group decides to leave the company. Such gestures are considered to be gentlemanly manners of a Club member in these well known Clubs. As to whether such courtesies are practiced today, I regret to observe that it is a rarity now. Membership has been widely opened to the needs to maintain the Club's cash flow at the expands of the fine traditions of old ! Hence it is not suprising today that these Clubs even face multiple litigation's from its own members against fellow members on matters that could easily be sorted out between gentlemen. People are no longer gentlemen or gentle ladies these days. We are now in a materialistic world where money speaks !

For Ainul and I, we are very particular about good manners and courtesy to be ingrained to our children and the grandchildren. By this I do not mean the antics and seemingly rude manners that ensued at our regular gin sessions. That is a different scenario altogether because that is the "secret" fun within the gin members and confined to the gin sessions only. We always emphasize to our children to thank their hosts after a meal or visits and when local or foreign hosts happen to visit our vicinity we will endeavor to at least call them on the phone to welcome them although we ourselves might not be in a position to meet up with them due to prior commitments. Courtesies such as these go a long way towards fostering and establishing long term relationship with these hosts and this in itself is very good public relations in family ties and in business. Good family upbringing is reflected in these actions. As parents, we often feel good when our children and their families call on us or give us those unexpected calls on the phone. We always look forward to these calls. A simple call of just to say "Hello" is reassuring enough for us old folks and it cannot be assumed that we do not appreciate those.

Teaching our children to be courteous to their teachers, their friends and neighbors and even to strangers who happen to meet them to seek for directions or merely to indulge in short conversation is a must indeed. It is a sad world indeed if everyone is rude to each other and worst still if you look at others lowly and with suspicion all the time ! You cannot claim to be a better person if your manners are no better than the other person ! In the old days, when you meet a well-dressed person, you can assume that he is well-mannered. Unfortunately it is not so these days.

Just last night when we are at a TV show , where almost everyone present is elegantly dressed, seated with us on the same table is a middle aged couple and two other gentlemen and two ladies. From their conversation we can only assume that the gentleman and his wife seated next to us must be their boss since he is addressed such by the two guys. On the table there happens to be a closed packet of sort which we read to be "papedom" on the menu card, the Indian appertisers. It so happens, that is the only packet "papedom" on the table. The man's wife opens the packet and starts to pick and eat the contents and likewise the husband does the same whilst the other guy nearest to the husband does the same too. This goes on for quite a while and at no time do any of them care to pass the packet over to our side ! That action of theirs is indeed very bad table manners and a reflection of poor breeding indeed. We hear that they are all Datuks too !

When we talk about fine dining - something that Omar is heard to ask one day when we are going out for dinner , " Are you going to have fine dining Tok Abah ? " - this will include good table manners too. When you eat and drink, you do not do so alone but pass over or offer the same to your fellow diners. When you sneeze or cough, you do so over your handkerchives . Hence the need to ensure at all times that you have handkerchiefs in your pockets. As for ladies, a ready tissues at your instant needs. If you can help it, never pick your tooth after dinner but if you really need to do so, then it has to be done very discreetly by hiding the opened mouth with your table napkin. The used tooth picks must be disposed off on your empty plate and not on the table itself. Do not put both your hands on the table while food is being served. At any time, the free hand should not be on the table .When you sip your soup with the soup spoon, bring the spoon to your mouth rather than your mouth to the spoon and never ever make a slurping sound while sipping the soup. For that matter, where possible, eat with the mouth least opened. It goes without saying, make the least sound when consuming the food other than the conversation. When conversing, it is not with the food in the mouth or whilst chewing. Of course, picking the right table spoons for the different food on the set menu is very important. If you are not sure as to which spoons to pick, then just delay doing so and observe your neighbors actions first. By the rule of the thumb, the utensils to pick on will almost always be the ones furthest to your main plate. The side plate is almost always meant for the bread and butter and in the absence of special plates being served later on for the fresh fruits, the side plate can be used for this. Remember to open the napkin and place same on your lap before eating.

Smoking can bring about bad manners too especially if the smoker is not mindful of others presence when he smokes. This is especially true when it comes to fine dining or dining as a whole. Unless an ash tray is placed on the dining table which indicates that the hosts are not mindful to your smoking thereon, in the absence of this ash tray, it is indicative of total nonsmoking for the occasion there. We do get the stubborn and selfish smoker who never cares about others and simply light his cigarette at his own leisure. Such bad manners are disgusting indeed. Thank goodness, smoking at public places such as in the cinemas and dining areas and offices are forbidden today. Gone are the days when our clothes and best suits smell of these smokes in those days at these places. For Ainul and I we are ever grateful that our smoking children understand our dislike for smoking in our house. Likewise all our smoking friends seem to respect this too. It is not for us to preach that smoking wastes money because this is a subjective matter just as going to the movies regularly too can be considered as waste of money too. All we are concerned about here is, smokers should always be mindful of others presence when they smoke. The worst thing that these people do is when they throw their cigarette butts at the urinals in the public toilets and at and around them where they smoke! Bad manners indeed !

Driving too calls for good manners. Almost always road accidents are caused by bad driving or bad manners while driving, such as hogging the fast lane when you should be on the slow lane, and failure to make way for vehicles wanting to overtake you and the greatest fault of all is failure to signal your intentions. Many a time you find someone taking a sudden turn to your right because he means to turn that way but without any indication to us of his intention by using the car's signals. Ladies invariably makes the wrong turn for the wrong signal. Almost always, ladies signal must be read cautiously. If they signal right, it always happen that they will turn left ! I say this from several incidence on this and if I mention this to any lady, she is sure to deny it. Of course during night drivings, quite often we do come across vehicles without tail lights, whilst on occasions, especially in the twilight time, drivers forget or totally refuse to switch on their head lights for fear that this might reduce the life span of the car's battery ! Motorists are especially notorious for this. They never check their bike's tail light to ensure that it is working and at twilight time, the visibility of a motorist in front without a tail light is a potential hazard and an overture to an accident. Overtaking on double lines should be avoided not because it is a traffic offence but quite often accidents will take place. Double lines are usually made on bad bends, steep hills and narrow roads. They tend to stretch your patience when your speed is reduced considerably by the front vehicle which seems to be at a crawling pace ! Hence it is a lesson to us too that when we come to such doubled-lined road, we should not unnecessarily reduce our speed but instead abide by the speed limit stipulated on such road for guidance.

One of the worst cause of road accidents is when your front vehicle makes a sudden stop without due warning signal of the intention. Even if the signal is made at the very last seconds, the avoidance of an accident is almost nil. However, this can also be because you might be driving too close to the front vehicle. Make it a habit to drive at least ten metres or thirty feet behind a vehicle. If you are driving fast, a fifty feet distance is even better still. This distance will lessen the impact of accident and give ample time to apply the brake. Quite often when I see the vehicle tailing me is too close for comfort, I will give instant signals to pull sideways and allow it to pass. There have been many occasions when an overtaken bus suddenly decides to open up speed and threatening to overtake me. In such instance, I will decide to either speed off or else let it pass me. If this mammoth thing happens to hit your vehicle from the back , even lightly, the impact will be such that your vehicle will catapult forward or sideways instantly and lost control. On one incidence when I was driving in the Canadian Rockies, I happen to overtake a huge truck on a bend in the road. The next thing we know, he gives a loud blast of his horn to which I decide to ignore and speed off. Having distanced my car from it, I feel safe, I thought. Before I realize it, the huge truck is smack on my car's tail ! Since there is no way to allow it to pass because the road is small , I decide the best thing to do and that is to speed off as fast as I can. On the next bend when I spot a rest area, I quickly get in and hide my car ! The huge truck passes by just in time and then it blasts its horn ! That is frightening experience in a foreign country . Almost immediately I start to imagine the thing that could ensue on such incidence as depicted in the movies - if you know what I mean ! Well, admittedly, that has been bad mannered driving by me.

Respect for the small guys - meaning the motor cyclists - has to be instilled in ourselves. Admittedly these guys seem complete nuisance to our road paths, especially if it happens to be a busy one at the time, with their zig zagging and sudden overtaking on our left and right. It takes a lot off our patience not to knock them off the road. During my younger days of driving, I never have patience for the motor cyclists and more often than not whenever I overtake them I will squeeze them to the road kerb and then view with glee through my side and rear mirrors at their desperation to avoid falling off their motors ! At other instances, whenever it rains heavily or I see heavy puddles by the side kerbs, I will squeeze their bikes to hit these puddles in the hope that they will fall off their bikes or else I get them soaking wet with my tyre sprays as it hits the puddles where the motor cyclist is. On another occasion I can literally see the motor cyclist go over the road slope when my side mirror hits its handle bars ! However, one such accident finally teaches me not to be careless with these riders and that involves the crossing of a highway not minding the fact that a motor cyclist is fifty feet to my right. Almost instantly there is an explosive impact of his motor hitting my right side bumper and a man is seen flying over my front screen to hit the road on my left side. This one is his pillion rider. The main rider lies sprawled on the right side of my car in seeming unconscious position. Before I know it, people are gathering around and almost instantly someone take both of them to the General Hospital in Kuala Lumpur. I later visit them after I make my report of the accident to the Police. This particular accident cause my driving licence to be endorsed for non-driving for the next three years ! That is the time when it appears to my family and friends that I am wealthy because I have a driver !

Dear readers, there is no end to bad manners that I can write on, but I trust and believe that you are not amongst the bad ones. Take care !

written by Tunku Farid