AS I SEE IT

Now that Ainul and I turn sixty seven and sixty nine respectively recently, we recently reflect on our role as parents to our children as they grow up , as parents-in-law in their married life and as grandparents to all their children. It makes us wonder if we have really been successful in guiding them to be well-bred in every sense of the word. Admittedly during their childhood we have metted severe punishments on their wrong doings, at times corporals when all else seem to fail, but to all intends and purposes, they are all aimed at making them grow up to be responsible persons as well as good breeding.

At no time do we intend to make ourselves appear as monsters to them or create fear in their minds to avoid talking or meeting us. Hence both of us try our best to let them know that at no time are we vengeful on their disobedience or shortfalls when at the end of these scoldings or corporal punishments we let them know and feel that what is past is forgotten and the day starts anew for all of us. Hence it is not uncommon that all of them remain free to talk their minds on anything that bothers them when we are at lunch or dinner together. Having a sit down family lunch and dinner is a must for the family . We believe this is the core to a close family relationship whilst at the same time as parents the opportunity to make good those essential table manners , which seem to be lacking with most families of today. It is at these lunches and dinners that we are able to impart certain things and ideas to their growing minds and most definitely to allow them to participate in the table discussions freely.

Now as they are all married and with spouses and children of their own, as parents we can only observe on their goings on and make our sideline remarks at times, much perhaps to their dislikes and their spouses dislikes too. Ainul especially bears no reservations on saying anything that comes to her mind whenever she sees and think that they are not the way they should be. It is her special trait when it comes to this, because she does the same thing to me too, to which I silently appreciate if it makes sense, which most of the time it does !

It is no easy thing to be good parents especially to the modern children of today. Whenever we talk to our grandchildren, we cannot help but feel that they fear no one and we shiver to think if they at all respectful to anyone. Both of us grew up through similar threadmill of complete obedience and respect for the elders, whoever they might be, to the extent that we do not linger around whenever the elders congregate far less make any noise that would annoy them. Only the other night during our Terawaih prayers, our grandnephews completely drowned the imam’s prayer’s recitals with their playing antics and disturbed the concentration and tranquility which we all sought for these very important ramadan prayers, and to our surprise, we see and hear no reprimands from their parents ! Just what is happening here ? Is this the kind of education of the right way to bring up children ? To our minds, how can these kids ever learn respect and consideration for others when they grow up later on ? I can very well recall that time when I disturb my grandparents prayers by mimicking the sounds they all make at the end of the Fatihah recital. Almost immediately later, my grandma gave me a good whacking with her special caning tool made up of bunches of coconut leaves sticks or "lidi" in Malay. That was a painful punishment on me and my pride and since then I learn respect and obedience. Strange to say, from our observations, the kids of today never seem to care about being reprimanded , punished or caned for their misbehaviours and continue to do the same just hours later ! What is happening here ? These have to come from model examples that they have around them. Can we blame their television exposures, the movies, their PS2 games or perhaps their own parents fault who are not playing the right role models expected of them ?

One of the fundamentals of continued good relationship between brothers and sisters is communication which should be continuing and regular. It can come in the forms of phone calls to each other, visiting each others homes irrespective of times and occasions and mutual respects for each others achievements or shortcomings. Follow the Joneses should not be the theme of such discourses as this will only breed enmity and jealousies especially so with the female spouses. As a family, we should not let our spouses control or influence our thoughts of one another. Likewise we should also respect our spouses actions towards their family members. Because our spouses and us originate from different backgrounds, it becomes our responsibility to create harmony within the families as a whole. It is common knowledge that spouses do not get on with their in-laws but need it be so always ? Both of us are proud to claim that we have the best of relationship with our in-laws. It all boils down to the mutual respects that we show them at all times of our discourse with them. What then is this all about, it is none other than good upbringing !

We always believe in the truth of the saying " Charity begins at Home" which translates to the fact that whatevever we do with our lives, the first considerations have to come first to our immediate families, meaning herein, when it comes to anything that is good, it should first transcends to our brothers and sisters and of course to our parents too. There should not be double standards in favouring one to the other. Equal standards to the spouses side too. When it comes to giving dinners at home or elsewhere, the frequencies to the immediate families should far exceed that given to friends and associates because at the end of the day in our later lives, it is our brothers, sisters and extended families who will be there. As parents we feel more at home with our married children on such occasions if our presence there originate from their spouses invitations rather than from them, because in this way, we know that harmony exists in their family. It is wrong to assume that as parents we should feel free to come in and out of their house without being invited by their spouses first. There have been many instances of family quarrels because of this thing. It is to avoid such occurance to their homes that we are very careful about it. As parents, how unwelcome it feels if their spouse never invites us in or show indifference throughout our presence there. Likewise we do not expect hypocricy to prevail. Every action must come from the heart - be it good or bad. If at any time we happen to catch them both at bad times, then it is best that we be advice of the matter in advance so that we will not make matters worse for them.

It has been very hard for me to think of how best to remind our children of good breeding that they should continue to uphold to their immediate families. We should not spare no rod as the saying goes to teach good manners to our children. Never lax or relax on this thing because if you do the end results will be you who will be suffering one day. Good examples have to begin at home in everyway because the children emulate you all the time. Untidy parents will breed untidy children just as the opposite will do too. Likewise untidy homes will never bring up children who are home proud. As parents we have to be examplary in everyway . We are not saying that we have been perfect but we do try to improve on our shortcomings all the time. Good habits are hard to cultivate but the bad ones come very easily to all of us.

Basic in life is being considerate and responsible for all our actions. If we do have helpers at home, we have to think of them as our hands and legs to which we must always take care that they are not abused. I cannot imagine a helper who could spit on the foods that he serves us because we mistreat him all the while or are inconsiderate to them. We should not be asking them to do what we ourselves would not have liked to do , given the circumstances of the occasions. On the other hand, if we learn to coexist with our helpers, they will really become our dependable hands and legs at all times. In this respect, we are glad to have had our Erman and Faridah all these past years and more especially Erman who has been with us for past twenty years already. This is not to say that we relent to their whims and fancies but we make them understand and respect that we are their boss without being bossy. When we have kids being looked by these helpers, we have to be even more careful and try to create a family relationship with them because this is what it is all about.

Children have so much to learn from us. The best knowledge should transcend from us to them through family get together and the reading of materials of common interest together. It is forever a learning stage in the lives of growing up kids and with the toddlers they should be encouraged to look , say and feel so that their motor system is developed. I recall the many occasions when Ajil used to ask me "why abah" on things that puzzled him and this drove me to find magazines that answers his "whys". It was the same with Farah too although Farahat and Izzat chose to be observers instead. We have to have an open minds as parents although at times this can be at the edge and extent of patience, but that is what parents are. They are the buds of your sadness and happiness. With this note, let us leave you children to ponder on our thoughts of the day. These thoughts come to our minds because we are in the twilight zone of our lives !


written by Tunku Farid